The Walking Dead: When You're Functioning but Not Really Living
Just because you're getting everything done doesn't mean you're doing okay.
Well, we've made it to the end of October, and what a spooky season it's been! We've talked about fear, emotional vampires, and werewolves, and now it's time to talk about one of my favorite Halloween creatures: zombies.
You know the ones. They're walking around, going through the motions, seemingly unaware of what's happening around them, with one thing on their minds. BRAAAINS! 🧟🏽♀️
Now, I don't know about you, but there have been mornings when I've looked in the mirror and thought I could easily pass for an extra on The Walking Dead. Especially before that first cup of coffee. 😂
But as I started thinking about zombies, something else came to mind.
How many of us are walking around doing everything we're supposed to do, meeting deadlines, taking care of our families, showing up for work, maintaining our homes, and fulfilling our responsibilities, yet feeling completely disconnected from our own lives?
We're functioning. We're productive. We're getting things done.
But are we actually living?
And with the holiday season right around the corner, I think this is a conversation worth having.
When Being Busy Becomes Our Normal
Think about your typical day. From the moment you wake up until the moment you finally get into bed, how much of that time belongs to you?
Not time spent preparing for something, responding to someone, planning the next day, or catching up on things you didn't finish yesterday.
I'm talking about time when you're actually present.
For many of us, our days are filled with responsibilities that seem to multiply faster than we can manage them. We move from one task to another, rarely stopping long enough to notice how we're feeling.
And somewhere along the way, being busy becomes our identity.
We take pride in our ability to multitask, push through exhaustion, and somehow manage to get everything done. People compliment us on how much we accomplish, and we may even find ourselves feeling uncomfortable when there's nothing on our calendars.
But what happens when we become so accustomed to doing that we forget how to simply be?
Sometimes we don't recognize how exhausted we are because we've been exhausted for so long.
We've normalized the fatigue, the irritability, the lack of motivation, and the feeling that we're constantly running behind.
We tell ourselves we'll rest when things slow down.
But when exactly is that supposed to happen?
The Holiday Season: When Expectations Come Knocking
And just when we think we've made it through one busy season, here come the holidays!
Thanksgiving dinners, Christmas shopping, family gatherings, holiday parties, decorating, cooking, traveling, gift exchanges, school programs, and the never-ending question of who's hosting what this year.
Whew! I'm tired just writing that. 😂
Now, don't get me wrong. There can be a lot of joy in these traditions. They create memories, bring people together, and provide opportunities for connection.
But they can also come with an enormous amount of pressure.
There's an expectation that the holidays should be magical. That everyone should be happy. That families should come together, differences should be set aside, and everything should look like one of those picture-perfect holiday movies.
And somebody has to make all that magic happen.
Often, that responsibility falls on the same people year after year.
The ones who plan the meals, remember everyone's preferences, purchase the gifts, coordinate the schedules, decorate the house, and make sure nobody feels forgotten.
They're the ones behind the scenes making sure everyone else enjoys the holiday.
But who's checking on them?
For some people, the holidays also bring grief, loneliness, financial stress, complicated family relationships, or reminders of what life used to look like.
Yet there can still be this unspoken expectation to put those feelings aside and participate in the festivities.
So we smile. We show up. We do what's expected.
And sometimes, we do all of that while feeling emotionally disconnected from the very experiences we're working so hard to create.
The Difference Between Functioning and Living
One of the things I've learned through my work as a therapist is that we can't always determine how someone is doing by looking at what they're accomplishing.
Someone can have a successful career, maintain a household, care for their children, meet every obligation, and still be struggling emotionally.
From the outside, their life may appear to be going well.
But internally, they may feel exhausted, overwhelmed, numb, or disconnected.
And because they're still functioning, neither they nor the people around them may recognize that something is wrong.
We sometimes associate emotional distress with an inability to get out of bed or complete everyday tasks. While that can certainly happen, distress doesn't always look that way.
Sometimes it looks like the person who never misses a deadline.
The parent who always volunteers.
The friend who checks on everybody else.
The employee who consistently takes on additional responsibilities.
The family member who holds everything together.
They're getting things done, but they may have very little energy left to experience pleasure, connection, or fulfillment.
And that's an important distinction.
Being able to manage your responsibilities doesn't necessarily mean your emotional needs are being met.
When Survival Mode Becomes a Way of Life
I think it's also important to consider why some of us find it so difficult to slow down.
For certain people, staying busy isn't simply a matter of having too much to do. It may be something they've learned to rely on.
Perhaps growing up, being responsible was a way of receiving recognition or maintaining stability. Maybe expressing emotional needs wasn't encouraged, but being helpful and dependable was.
For others, remaining occupied may provide a distraction from uncomfortable feelings, unresolved experiences, or situations they don't quite know how to address.
And sometimes, slowing down feels unfamiliar because we've spent so much of our lives responding to what other people need.
From a psychodynamic perspective, we might become curious about how these earlier experiences influence our relationship with productivity, responsibility, and rest.
What did we learn about our worth?
Were we valued for who we were, or primarily for what we contributed?
Did we have permission to express our needs, or did we learn to place them aside?
And how might those experiences continue influencing the expectations we place on ourselves today?
For many Black women, these questions can also intersect with the Strong Black Woman narrative and the cultural expectations surrounding caregiving, strength, and sacrifice.
There is often an expectation that we will figure things out, manage the responsibilities, and continue showing up regardless of what we're experiencing internally.
And while there's certainly strength in our ability to persevere, I think we also need to ask ourselves what happens when perseverance becomes our only option.
At what point does being strong begin to cost us our well-being?
You Don't Have to Earn Your Rest
Here's something I want us to think about as we prepare for the holidays.
Why do we treat rest like something we have to earn?
We tell ourselves that once the house is clean, the shopping is finished, the children are settled, the work is completed, and everybody else is taken care of, then we can relax.
But the list never really ends.
There's always another responsibility, another request, another expectation.
And if we're waiting for everything to be finished before giving ourselves permission to rest, we may be waiting a very long time.
Rest isn't simply a reward for productivity.
It's part of what allows us to function emotionally, physically, and mentally.
And sometimes rest doesn't mean sleeping or taking a vacation. It may mean allowing ourselves to enjoy a moment without thinking about what needs to happen next.
It may mean declining an invitation, ordering dinner instead of preparing an elaborate meal, asking someone else to host the holiday gathering, or deciding that every tradition doesn't need to continue simply because it's always been done that way.
I know. The horror! 😱
But seriously, traditions are supposed to bring meaning and connection to our lives. When maintaining them consistently comes at the expense of our well-being, perhaps it's time to reconsider how we're participating.
What If We Did the Holidays Differently?
Imagine entering the holiday season without feeling responsible for making everything perfect.
What would that look like?
Maybe Thanksgiving dinner includes a few store-bought dishes instead of everything being made from scratch.
Maybe you decide not to exchange gifts with every extended family member this year.
Maybe you attend one holiday gathering instead of five.
Maybe you create new traditions that reflect your current needs, finances, family circumstances, or emotional capacity.
And maybe, just maybe, you allow yourself to enjoy the season without feeling guilty about what you didn't accomplish.
Of course, making these changes may not be easy.
Family members may have expectations. Children may be accustomed to certain traditions. Partners may have different ideas about how the holidays should look.
And sometimes the greatest resistance comes from within ourselves.
We may feel guilty about disappointing people or worry that changing a tradition means we're somehow taking something away from those we love.
But what if we're actually creating opportunities for something different?
More meaningful conversations.
More time together.
Less resentment.
Less exhaustion.
More opportunities to experience the moments we're working so hard to create.
Because years from now, will we remember whether every decoration was perfectly placed or every dish was homemade?
Or will we remember how we felt when we were together?
Bringing Ourselves Back to Life
As we close out spooky season and prepare for the holidays, I want to encourage you to consider whether you've been living your life or simply managing it.
And I don't mean that as criticism.
Life is demanding. We have responsibilities, obligations, and circumstances that don't disappear simply because we recognize we're tired.
Not everyone has the flexibility to take time off, delegate responsibilities, or change their circumstances immediately.
But perhaps we can begin by becoming more aware of what we're experiencing.
Maybe we can recognize when we're operating on autopilot.
Maybe we can notice when we're saying yes out of obligation rather than desire.
Maybe we can begin questioning expectations we've accepted without considering whether they still fit our lives.
And maybe we can acknowledge that constantly pushing through exhaustion isn't necessarily a sign that everything is okay.
Sometimes it's a sign that something needs our attention.
Before You Turn Into a Holiday Zombie...
You know I couldn't let us finish October without bringing this back to our familiar practice of giving ourselves permission to pause, process, and plan.
Pause: Take a moment to consider how you've been feeling lately. Are you genuinely enjoying your daily experiences, or are you moving from one responsibility to another without much opportunity to be present?
Process: Think about the expectations you've placed on yourself, particularly as we approach the holidays. Where did those expectations come from? Are they still meaningful to you, or have they become obligations you feel unable to question?
Plan: Identify one thing you can approach differently this holiday season. Maybe it's asking for help, simplifying a tradition, establishing a boundary, or intentionally making time for something that brings you joy.
You don't have to change everything overnight.
And you don't have to abandon the responsibilities or traditions that matter to you.
But you are allowed to reconsider how much of yourself you're giving away in the process.
As we put away the Halloween decorations and prepare for the next season, I hope we'll remember that there's more to life than simply making it through another day.
We deserve opportunities to experience joy, connection, rest, and meaning in the lives we're working so hard to maintain.
Because at the end of the day, the goal isn't just to survive the holidays. It's to be present enough to experience them.
And if that means doing a little less this year?
Well, the zombies can keep the hustle.
I'd rather keep my brains. 🧟🏽♀️😂
At Blossoming Hope Counseling & Consulting, we recognize that emotional well-being involves more than simply managing life's responsibilities. Through psychotherapy, we create space to explore the expectations, experiences, and patterns that influence how we care for ourselves and connect with others.
Healing minds. Nurturing hearts. Growing hope.
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