When Fear Becomes Bigger Than Us
October is in full swing. The leaves are changing, there's a crispness in the air, and fall decorations are showing up on porches and lawns all over the neighborhood. Halloween is definitely making its presence known.
Lately I've caught myself paying attention to the Halloween decorations as I drive around. Some are whimsical and make me smile. Others are downright frightening. You know the ones I mean: the giant skeletons, ghosts, and monsters that tower over everything around them.
On one of those drives, I started thinking about how much fear can feel like those decorations. It towers over us. It can feel bigger than the decision in front of us, bigger than the opportunity, bigger than our ability to handle whatever comes next. And sometimes, the closer we get to it, the bigger it seems.
Fear itself isn't the enemy, though. We actually need it. Fear is part of our body's natural protection system. It warns us when something might be dangerous and tells us to slow down, pay attention, and take care of ourselves. There are plenty of times when listening to fear is exactly the right move.
The question I keep coming back to is this: at what point does fear stop protecting us and start keeping us from living?
Sometimes the danger is real. Other times, the danger is what might happen. What if I fail? What if they reject me? What if I leave and regret it, or stay and nothing changes? And maybe the hardest one of all: what if I just don't know what happens next?
Most of us like certainty. We want to know how things will turn out before we take the first step. Life rarely works that way.
When we don't know what's coming, our minds tend to fill in the blanks, and fear can be quite the storyteller. It takes one possibility and builds a whole narrative around everything that could go wrong. Before long, we're reacting to something that hasn't even happened. We don't apply for the job, set the boundary, have the conversation, or take the trip. Not because we decided those things weren't right for us, but because fear made the decision for us.
That's where I think it helps to get curious. Who is actually steering your life right now, you or your fear?
Challenging fear doesn't mean ignoring it, pretending we aren't afraid, or pushing ourselves into situations that aren't safe. What I encourage instead is giving yourself permission to pause, process, and plan.
Pause. Before reacting, stop for a moment and ask what you're really afraid of. Is there an immediate danger, or are you anticipating what could happen? What is your body telling you?
Process. Get curious about the story underneath the fear. What do you know, and what don't you know yet? Is something from your past shaping how you see this situation today? Are you afraid of the situation itself, or of not being able to control how it turns out? Sometimes just naming a fear takes away some of its power.
Plan. Think about what the next step could be. Not the next ten steps, just the next one. Maybe that means gathering more information, talking with someone you trust, making the appointment, or finally having the conversation you've been putting off. Or maybe it means trying something without knowing exactly how it will go. That can be scary, and it can also be where growth happens.
I think a lot of us wait for fear to disappear before we let ourselves move. But maybe that isn't the goal. Maybe courage isn't the absence of fear at all. Maybe it sounds more like: Yes, I'm afraid. I don't know exactly what's going to happen. And I'm still willing to take the next step.
There will always be things we can't predict or control. We can reflect, prepare, and make thoughtful decisions, but at some point we have to loosen our grip on certainty and let ourselves experience what happens next.
So this month, as you pass those giant skeletons and ghosts on your neighbors' lawns, take a moment to think about what might be towering over you. What fear has grown bigger than it needs to be? What conversation, opportunity, relationship, or next chapter have you let fear narrate? And what might your life look like if you were the one navigating instead?
Fear deserves our attention, and sometimes our respect. It's often trying to protect us. But it doesn't always deserve to be in control.
Maybe the challenge this October isn't to become fearless. Maybe it's to notice when fear has gotten a little too big, pause long enough to understand what it's telling you, make a plan, and give yourself permission to move forward even when you can't control the outcome.
After all, some things look a lot scarier from a distance than they do once we finally walk toward them.
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