When Teen Love Feels Complicated
- Nora Mangan
- Feb 16
- 5 min read
February is the month of love. Valentine’s Day encourages us to celebrate connection and romance. It is also Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, which invites our community to have honest conversations about what healthy love looks like...and what it does not.
Teen dating violence is not just conflict or typical teenage disagreement. It is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over the other.
While physical harm is one form, abuse can also be emotional, sexual, digital, or financial. It may look like constant jealousy disguised as care, pressure for sexual activity, monitoring someone’s phone or location, or isolating a partner from friends and family. These behaviors are not signs of passion. They are signs of control.
How Common Is Teen Dating Violence?
Teen dating violence is more common than most people think. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, among high school students who dated in the past year, about 1 in 12 experienced physical dating violence and about 1 in 10 experienced sexual dating violence (CDC, 2025). Many teens do not tell anyone what is happening, either because they are unsure if it is serious enough or because they are afraid of how others might respond.
Some young people are at even greater risk. Girls and teens who identify as LGBTQ report higher rates of dating violence than their peers. Teen relationships deserve to be taken seriously and supported with care and education.
Common Red Flags
Teen dating violence does not usually begin with something obvious. It often starts with small behaviors that feel uncomfortable or confusing. Some red flags to pay attention to include:
Extreme jealousy or insecurity
Constantly checking your phone, location, or social media
Pressuring you to spend all your time with them
Isolating you from friends or family
Name-calling, humiliation, or insults disguised as jokes
Blaming you for their anger or behavior
Pressuring you into sexual activity or ignoring your boundaries
Threatening to break up as a way to control you
Explosive temper, property damage, or intimidation
Any unwanted physical contact, such as pushing, grabbing, or hitting
You might notice that many of these behaviors are sometimes described as passion or protectiveness. But over time, they can actually become patterns of control. Remember this: if something feels off in a relationship, it is worth paying attention to that feeling.
Why it Matters
Teen relationships can feel intense in the best way. They can also feel intense in the hardest way. When a relationship becomes controlling or unsafe, it does not just stay inside that relationship. It can spill into everything else.
A teen might start second-guessing themselves. They might feel anxious all the time, struggle to focus at school, or pull away from friends. Some teens cope by shutting down. Others cope by acting out. Sometimes the impact is loud. Sometimes it is quiet.
The way love feels during adolescence can shape what feels normal later on. That is why these conversations matter.
What Healthy Love Actually Looks Like
Healthy relationships are not perfect. Disagreements happen. Feelings get hurt. But healthy love does not rely on fear, control, or intimidation.
In a healthy relationship, both people feel respected. Boundaries are honored. No one is pressured into doing something they are not comfortable with. Communication feels open instead of threatening.
Healthy love includes accountability. When someone makes a mistake, they take responsibility instead of shifting blame. It includes trust, not constant monitoring. It includes encouragement, not isolation.
Most importantly, healthy love allows both people to stay fully themselves. You do not have to shrink, hide, or constantly prove your worth in order to keep someone.
If You're a Teen Reading This
If any of this feels familiar, please remember - you are not dramatic and you are not overreacting. Many teens struggle to name unhealthy patterns because they are often mixed with affection and attention.
It can help to notice how a relationship makes you feel. Do you feel respected? Do you feel safe saying no? Do you feel like you can still be yourself around this person? Do you feel like you change yourself to appease them?
Healthy relationships leave room for boundaries, friendships, and independence. They do not require constant proof of loyalty or access to your phone, body, or time.
If something feels confusing or overwhelming, having a trusted adult or steady friend to talk with can make a difference. No one has to sort through these experiences alone.
If You're a Parent, Coach, or Trusted Adult
Teen relationships may seem small to adults, but they rarely feel small to teens. The way young people experience love during adolescence can shape what feels normal later on.
Creating space for open conversation matters. Teens are more likely to share when they feel heard rather than corrected. When young people sense judgment or panic, they often retreat.
Healthy relationship skills can be taught through everyday moments. Talking about respect, boundaries, digital behavior, and consent before problems arise helps build a foundation of safety.
Paying attention to shifts in mood, friendships, or behavior can also offer clues that something may be wrong. Staying curious and connected allows teens to feel supported without feeling controlled.
The Takeaways
If you remember anything from this blog post, remember this: healthy love feels safe. It does not leave you feeling anxious, isolated, or constantly unsure of yourself. It allows room for boundaries, friendships, individuality, and growth.
Teen relationships deserve attention and care. They are not just a phase. They deserve to be taken seriously. The patterns young people experience now can actually shape what feels normal later on. Learning early that love should include respect, communication, and accountability can make a lasting difference.
Talking openly about teen dating violence is one way we build that foundation. These conversations give teens language for their experiences and help adults respond with understanding instead of panic. When young people feel heard and supported, they are more likely to speak up.
Healthy relationships are not built overnight. They grow through small, consistent acts of care and respect. Every teen deserves a relationship that supports who they are, not one that controls them.
References
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “Teen Dating Violence.” Last updated Jan. 14, 2025. https://www.cdc.gov/intimate-partner-violence/about/about-teen-dating-violence.html
Resources and Further Reading
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Call 800-799-SAFE (7233)
Text START to 88788
Love Is Respect
Call 866-331-9474
Text LOVEIS to 22522
Florida Department of Education (Teen Dating Violence Prevention)
National Institute of Justice (Teen Dating Violence)
Nora Mangan is a Master of Social Work (MSW) intern at Aurora University. She is dedicated to strengths-based, client-centered practice and is especially interested in helping individuals and families access resources and build resilience. After graduation, she plans to pursue clinical social work.
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